Introspection...
Do you ever get the feeling that whatever you’ve been doing,
it’s not good enough? That there are other people out there much more
accomplished than you are or that they have succeeded in more ways than you
have? I have that awful feeling right
now. I feel that everything that I’ve
done up until now has been for nothing.
I don’t feel any sense of accomplishment. I’m left feeling wanting, like
there’s something that I need to do to feel complete but I don’t know what it
is.
I work, I work a lot.
This is my typical week these days:
Dunbar Heights Optical:
Mon, Tues, Wed, Fri (10-5) Sat (11-4)
Winthrope Contact Lens: Thurs (10-6) & occasionally
Sat (10-4)
POSH: Tues, Thurs (6:30-11:30)
And then on the side I’m currently doing my 3 week stint
as my sister’s bookkeeper to submit the info to the accountant. It’s a lot of repetitive tedious work and I
don’t know how many hours that usually kills.
So I typically work 50 or so odd hours a week, sometimes
55 if I have three shifts at POSH. I’ve
paid down my debt to about 15% of what it originally was since April which is
huge since it was in the 6 digit range.
I’ve set up a huge party sale a couple weeks ago and I landed a gig to
do a sale at Black Box EA of optical frames on Friday this week. Yet I feel ... lacking.
I’m semi-consistantly going to hot yoga, whenever life
doesn’t get in the way. I walk and bus wherever I go now which is better for my
health and the environment. I swim once
a week on Fridays doing whatever laps my lungs will allow me since I’m such a
wimp in the water and will typically stick around for an hour but probably do a
swimmer’s worth of 10-15 minutes in the pool.
I don’t feel good about myself.
I FIT a 3 month old baby last month with a contact lens
because he had a cataract in his eye and had that taken out but is too young
for an implant. (Implants are impossible for growing children and can
only be done after their teens) Why do I feel like I SUCK? I feel useless,
impotent, worthless; I can’t rationalize it.
I feel undeserving, but I want more. I want
my boyfriend to be that knight in shining armour and visit me out of the
blue regardless of my sister and mother’s psychosis, buy me flowers even when
he’s NOT in trouble with me, buy me pretty things like jewellery. I can’t even make him pay for half of the
cost for BCP, let alone jewellery. I’m whining.
I love him and h does things that no other guy does. He’s not a romantic most of the time, he’s a
goofball and I love him for that. He’s wonderful, and he tries hard but when he
stresses about money when I think that he shouldn’t worry about it too much or
he worries about my family and how crazy they are... I wish he’d have more
steel and just buck up. That’s not true,
if he was cavalier about it, he wouldn’t be in it for the long run. I want him for the long run, but that’s the
problem. He wants the long run too, but
he won’t commit. I love him. He . is . perfect . for . me . but sometimes
I wish there’d be a little of the old romancing. I’ve never been very attracted to those boys
overall so I don’t know why I wish for it.
It’s in times like these when I dislike myself that I wish for it. I don’t
know why. Poor DL, he has to suffer my
PMS-ing like symptoms and trust me.. I’m nowhere near PMS time, that’s the
annoying bit. ARGH...
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